Spring Eternal
This particular spring seems to follow many many winters in a row. I have been existing in a cocoon like space for over two years now. Finally, a feeling of spring budding within me as is currently happening outside here in Virginia.
I haven’t felt right about sharing anything here for a while. I believe i am ready now.
As i read one of my last journal entries-two things strike me. One is —its very personal stuff i was sharing which is unlike me and Two is—I’m glad i have it recorded there because it reminds me that i am always loved and held and always have been. The entry was written on December 31, 2018. I was speaking of an experience i had in meditation when i felt this wiser stronger “me” seem to take up space—and when i journaled post meditation i wrote in shifting perspectives of both first person and third person as i wrote freely without editing. One of the things written was this: “
“I need my individual soul to support this inner child Cathy because she needs strength and she has it—she merely forgets. I am her backup....” It goes on. “ I am like an eagle...i drift back and forth slowly in wide arcs all seeing and all knowing, i am open and i am ...less caged. I already am. My guider and protector are with me. We are one.”
It goes on...
“I am like sheer silk moving through the sky which is warm and peaceful. I am not a body i am light in many colors. I have not forgotten the vision and knowledge of the inner child who needs me. I am here for her. Together as one we will adapt and thrive.”
On a Thursday morning 24 days after writing that entry— my oldest daughter Alexa, a student at Radford University, was dressed and ready for a day of class — when she was violently killed by her best friend and roommate.
I feel the weight and the sickening murky sludge of simply typing those words.
I’ll jump back in time again to January 4-6 of 2019– with no hint of how my life would be shattered soon after, I attended a weekend course called The Four Desires. This course is based on a book written by Yogarupa Rod Stryker, a teacher I honor and revere. Based on ancient wisdom it leads the reader through self inquiry to living a life of purpose and self-realization. One of the outcomes of the weekend was creation of what is called a dharma code. Yogarupa has defined a dharma code as “Each person’s individual expression of his or her dharma or soul’s purpose. It is a statement that clarifies your soul’s reason for being.
It is a principle that when acted upon benefits not just your own dharma but the larger or universal expression of it as well.”
I will share my dharma code that i wrote in that early January:
“I choose freedom and feel joy. I see the light which illuminates beauty in the darkness. I share knowledge of the divine within. Devoted time in stillness on a daily basis facilitates clear knowing. ”
Without consciously realizing it, every piece of this unfolded when Alexa’s life was stolen. My own initial horror and screams which emerged from an indescribable shock and despair—transitioned within a matter of an hour to the knowing that Alexa could hear us and she needed to be held in love and light. I intuitively knew. My soul could hear. The veil between matter and spirit was thin as i sat in stillness or when stillness would find me in too much motion or noise and I would quietly exit to go sit at her altar.
No space for horror or hate or associated thoughts and words. In direct witness of the shadow we all re-oriented to the light.
It was crucial to redirect thoughts and words of horror to those focused solely on the prayer to hold Alexa in Love and in Light. Only to choose love and be free. This message went out through our church, to my beloved yoga community and even to the media. Thoughts were redirected. Words of detail and speculation quieted during a powerful junction in space and time. This vibration became palpable for my husband and daughters and for myself— and it made all the difference.
Many surrealities in the 26 months since.
Steep highs and low lows.
Serendipitous events.
Cosmic connections.
Real life stranger than fiction.
Love and Fear on replay.
Death and Rebirth on replay.
Many winters and always the knowing of spring.
In this current moment ripples create a wake of active transformation:
Our marriage and Our home of 26 years. Alexa’s absence in the lives of her sisters.
Perspective of all that is.
As spring is evident in the crocus, daffodils, birds, and buds on the trees....I too I feel a blossoming within. A peace blended with a mix of a building as if there is a greater tolerance for the unknown as I’m ready to burst forth with a joy inherent. It is independent of my circumstances and yet a consequence of them.
One of the questions asked in the process of creating a dharma statement-a code of purpose within the guidance of The Four Desires by Yogarupa Rod Stryker is : How can i elevate my own experience of life and also contribute to the experience of others? As i step more powerfully into my life I do so knowing that in moments i am the eagle drifting back and forth in wide arcs all seeing and all knowing and that my guider and protector are with me. That we are one. I trust that we are held by a love more powerful than any dark circumstance. This foreshadowing of the strength that i held is indeed a strength I believe we all hold. We are stronger than we can ever know.
I feel Alexa’s love and expansion often. I have been with her beyond this earth plane in “dream” to feel her beauty and peace. I have one particular beautiful vision of her asking me to adorn her hair with flowers as if i was taking part in some ritual on an angelic realm. Where she is now is what is real, what happened in that one horrible moment was the illusion. Alexa’s life was about being unstoppable —a word that she had written on bubble letters on her door for years- her life is not about how she died. That is not hers to carry.
She chose love. And those of us still on this earth plane who love her —even with the pain and as difficult as the transitions are—we continue to choose love too.
There is more to this story. I plan to share the knowledge of my experience with the divine within. For that divine nature is within every one of us. It is vital that we always remember how loved and how powerful we are to BE love.
I haven’t felt right about sharing anything here for a while. I believe i am ready now.
As i read one of my last journal entries-two things strike me. One is —its very personal stuff i was sharing which is unlike me and Two is—I’m glad i have it recorded there because it reminds me that i am always loved and held and always have been. The entry was written on December 31, 2018. I was speaking of an experience i had in meditation when i felt this wiser stronger “me” seem to take up space—and when i journaled post meditation i wrote in shifting perspectives of both first person and third person as i wrote freely without editing. One of the things written was this: “
“I need my individual soul to support this inner child Cathy because she needs strength and she has it—she merely forgets. I am her backup....” It goes on. “ I am like an eagle...i drift back and forth slowly in wide arcs all seeing and all knowing, i am open and i am ...less caged. I already am. My guider and protector are with me. We are one.”
It goes on...
“I am like sheer silk moving through the sky which is warm and peaceful. I am not a body i am light in many colors. I have not forgotten the vision and knowledge of the inner child who needs me. I am here for her. Together as one we will adapt and thrive.”
On a Thursday morning 24 days after writing that entry— my oldest daughter Alexa, a student at Radford University, was dressed and ready for a day of class — when she was violently killed by her best friend and roommate.
I feel the weight and the sickening murky sludge of simply typing those words.
I’ll jump back in time again to January 4-6 of 2019– with no hint of how my life would be shattered soon after, I attended a weekend course called The Four Desires. This course is based on a book written by Yogarupa Rod Stryker, a teacher I honor and revere. Based on ancient wisdom it leads the reader through self inquiry to living a life of purpose and self-realization. One of the outcomes of the weekend was creation of what is called a dharma code. Yogarupa has defined a dharma code as “Each person’s individual expression of his or her dharma or soul’s purpose. It is a statement that clarifies your soul’s reason for being.
It is a principle that when acted upon benefits not just your own dharma but the larger or universal expression of it as well.”
I will share my dharma code that i wrote in that early January:
“I choose freedom and feel joy. I see the light which illuminates beauty in the darkness. I share knowledge of the divine within. Devoted time in stillness on a daily basis facilitates clear knowing. ”
Without consciously realizing it, every piece of this unfolded when Alexa’s life was stolen. My own initial horror and screams which emerged from an indescribable shock and despair—transitioned within a matter of an hour to the knowing that Alexa could hear us and she needed to be held in love and light. I intuitively knew. My soul could hear. The veil between matter and spirit was thin as i sat in stillness or when stillness would find me in too much motion or noise and I would quietly exit to go sit at her altar.
No space for horror or hate or associated thoughts and words. In direct witness of the shadow we all re-oriented to the light.
It was crucial to redirect thoughts and words of horror to those focused solely on the prayer to hold Alexa in Love and in Light. Only to choose love and be free. This message went out through our church, to my beloved yoga community and even to the media. Thoughts were redirected. Words of detail and speculation quieted during a powerful junction in space and time. This vibration became palpable for my husband and daughters and for myself— and it made all the difference.
Many surrealities in the 26 months since.
Steep highs and low lows.
Serendipitous events.
Cosmic connections.
Real life stranger than fiction.
Love and Fear on replay.
Death and Rebirth on replay.
Many winters and always the knowing of spring.
In this current moment ripples create a wake of active transformation:
Our marriage and Our home of 26 years. Alexa’s absence in the lives of her sisters.
Perspective of all that is.
As spring is evident in the crocus, daffodils, birds, and buds on the trees....I too I feel a blossoming within. A peace blended with a mix of a building as if there is a greater tolerance for the unknown as I’m ready to burst forth with a joy inherent. It is independent of my circumstances and yet a consequence of them.
One of the questions asked in the process of creating a dharma statement-a code of purpose within the guidance of The Four Desires by Yogarupa Rod Stryker is : How can i elevate my own experience of life and also contribute to the experience of others? As i step more powerfully into my life I do so knowing that in moments i am the eagle drifting back and forth in wide arcs all seeing and all knowing and that my guider and protector are with me. That we are one. I trust that we are held by a love more powerful than any dark circumstance. This foreshadowing of the strength that i held is indeed a strength I believe we all hold. We are stronger than we can ever know.
I feel Alexa’s love and expansion often. I have been with her beyond this earth plane in “dream” to feel her beauty and peace. I have one particular beautiful vision of her asking me to adorn her hair with flowers as if i was taking part in some ritual on an angelic realm. Where she is now is what is real, what happened in that one horrible moment was the illusion. Alexa’s life was about being unstoppable —a word that she had written on bubble letters on her door for years- her life is not about how she died. That is not hers to carry.
She chose love. And those of us still on this earth plane who love her —even with the pain and as difficult as the transitions are—we continue to choose love too.
There is more to this story. I plan to share the knowledge of my experience with the divine within. For that divine nature is within every one of us. It is vital that we always remember how loved and how powerful we are to BE love.
Let's keep it simple.
I've been manifesting an airstream for a while now. So far it hasn't appeared but i have not given up. Perhaps in my current life of three teenage daughters and a husband in a corporate office all day and two homes that each require a new roof--an airstream isn't so simple.
Simplicity is alluring. As i write that i recognize i have a tendency to perceive things as more complicated than they truly are. This trait is part of what led me to the practice of yoga. Yet even spiritual growth can be complicated. We each enter this world with our own unique flavor, our own lessons to learn, our own expression of creativity, our own intensity of joy and our own navigation of pain.
But if we keep it simple--we are each this freaking miraculous work of art created by unseen unknown power and beauty and encased in a human structure for a blip of time. We are just as miraculous at 50 as were were at birth. We just have more stuff. More shoes and more bad habits, more gadgets and more heartbreak, more joys and more pains. The miraculous recipe of light and energy is still there even when we don't feel it.
In the simplest of moments, the remembrance of your own true nature can rise up and extend to the outer edges of your physical form in a vibratory feeling of awe and wonder. Think back to a moment where you lost all sense of yourself in a starry sky or a wild wind blowing. Like you are lost and found in the same moment.
When you can find a simple present moment awareness you can let go of your stuff and tap into your inner luminosity if you will--where you remember you are still connected to that beauty of unknown and in that moment --you are free. Feel that a little each day and things seem a little simpler even without an airstream.
Simplicity is alluring. As i write that i recognize i have a tendency to perceive things as more complicated than they truly are. This trait is part of what led me to the practice of yoga. Yet even spiritual growth can be complicated. We each enter this world with our own unique flavor, our own lessons to learn, our own expression of creativity, our own intensity of joy and our own navigation of pain.
But if we keep it simple--we are each this freaking miraculous work of art created by unseen unknown power and beauty and encased in a human structure for a blip of time. We are just as miraculous at 50 as were were at birth. We just have more stuff. More shoes and more bad habits, more gadgets and more heartbreak, more joys and more pains. The miraculous recipe of light and energy is still there even when we don't feel it.
In the simplest of moments, the remembrance of your own true nature can rise up and extend to the outer edges of your physical form in a vibratory feeling of awe and wonder. Think back to a moment where you lost all sense of yourself in a starry sky or a wild wind blowing. Like you are lost and found in the same moment.
When you can find a simple present moment awareness you can let go of your stuff and tap into your inner luminosity if you will--where you remember you are still connected to that beauty of unknown and in that moment --you are free. Feel that a little each day and things seem a little simpler even without an airstream.
Only A Remembering
12.31.18
Clean your windshield. Erase your chalkboard. Lift the veil. Shine your light.
IF you don't have a meditation practice there is no better time than now.
Below is an excerpt of a post meditation journal entry from many months ago. I am sharing this with you dear reader, because today I needed to re-read it myself. Obviously, once again, I had forgotten. Grief and despair and woe is me have been occupying too much space as of late. My egoic smaller self has tried to take control again.
This is a reminder of who I AM when I simply allow the Divine One, God, Goddess, Our One Creator--to lead the way in my life. Why is this not more simple? Why is it so damn difficult? I am thankful to be writing this today so close to the ocean where I will go walk and reconnect, refill, refuel and remember. Movement and breath are transforming.
If you feel stuck. sad or not fully embracing your life--I encourage you to move and breathe and find a meditation practice. Not every time you "sit" is mind-blowing or mystical. The excerpt from my experience of the particular meditation below was unique for me. Recalling it is motivating and reassuring somehow. It reminds me I am loved. We all need to feel that.
So, here you are--and a warning : my more loving, creative, freer, higher self doesn't speak in complete sentences. These are merely my own visuals and internal messages that I wrote about after my timer went off as fast as I could.
There is a bubble of space around me...I am bigger when I wake up it is as if I am my own avatar when I wake. I'm beautiful and wise...well wiseER. I love with ease and love and an open curiosity. I am not attached to relationship. It does not hurt me anymore. I am love. I don't need love. I am enough. I am my own.
This Jiva is necessary. I need my individual soul to support this inner child Cathy because she needs strength and she has it--she merely forgets. I am her backup. I am like an eagle...I drift back and forth slowly in wide arcs all seeing and all knowing but I am open and I am...less caged. I already am. my guider and protector are with me. We are one.
I see my hands typing. How can my physical fingers do this? What a great pair we are. Maybe I should write a book. Like...right now.
I am like sheer silk moving through the sky which is warm and peaceful. I am not a body I am light in many colors. I have forgotten the vision and knowledge of the inner child who needs me. I am here for her. Together as one we will adapt and thrive.
It is hard to type through my tears. Me? Divinity shows up for me? Not me. I am not that important. And then YES...actually...I am. Why not me? I finally show up for myself and it can be scary when you show up for yourself.
Shooting stars. Fireball.
Same sky. When Tara said that to me now I see it was like my higher self saying it in my ear at the time...we are under the same sky. The Goddess spoke of beauty never before seen. Could this be right there? The beginning of the stream of color like sheer silk?
I see an eye. Looking at me. They are mine. My own eyes. How can I see this differently?
What can I shed? Who. Why, when, how can I heal others and enjoy life--my being alive?
Direct focus. Not linger in this place. Work to do. Love to make. Shine. Love. Illuminate. Glow. Burn. The particles get lighter with transformation of fire.
"Be with me" I am speaking to my lower self. "Be with me. Work with me. I will only keep you strong and safe."
That is all. I will go walk on the beach now and bring in the remembering. I encourage you to remember too.
There is no better time than right now. I love you. xoxoxoxo
Clean your windshield. Erase your chalkboard. Lift the veil. Shine your light.
IF you don't have a meditation practice there is no better time than now.
Below is an excerpt of a post meditation journal entry from many months ago. I am sharing this with you dear reader, because today I needed to re-read it myself. Obviously, once again, I had forgotten. Grief and despair and woe is me have been occupying too much space as of late. My egoic smaller self has tried to take control again.
This is a reminder of who I AM when I simply allow the Divine One, God, Goddess, Our One Creator--to lead the way in my life. Why is this not more simple? Why is it so damn difficult? I am thankful to be writing this today so close to the ocean where I will go walk and reconnect, refill, refuel and remember. Movement and breath are transforming.
If you feel stuck. sad or not fully embracing your life--I encourage you to move and breathe and find a meditation practice. Not every time you "sit" is mind-blowing or mystical. The excerpt from my experience of the particular meditation below was unique for me. Recalling it is motivating and reassuring somehow. It reminds me I am loved. We all need to feel that.
So, here you are--and a warning : my more loving, creative, freer, higher self doesn't speak in complete sentences. These are merely my own visuals and internal messages that I wrote about after my timer went off as fast as I could.
There is a bubble of space around me...I am bigger when I wake up it is as if I am my own avatar when I wake. I'm beautiful and wise...well wiseER. I love with ease and love and an open curiosity. I am not attached to relationship. It does not hurt me anymore. I am love. I don't need love. I am enough. I am my own.
This Jiva is necessary. I need my individual soul to support this inner child Cathy because she needs strength and she has it--she merely forgets. I am her backup. I am like an eagle...I drift back and forth slowly in wide arcs all seeing and all knowing but I am open and I am...less caged. I already am. my guider and protector are with me. We are one.
I see my hands typing. How can my physical fingers do this? What a great pair we are. Maybe I should write a book. Like...right now.
I am like sheer silk moving through the sky which is warm and peaceful. I am not a body I am light in many colors. I have forgotten the vision and knowledge of the inner child who needs me. I am here for her. Together as one we will adapt and thrive.
It is hard to type through my tears. Me? Divinity shows up for me? Not me. I am not that important. And then YES...actually...I am. Why not me? I finally show up for myself and it can be scary when you show up for yourself.
Shooting stars. Fireball.
Same sky. When Tara said that to me now I see it was like my higher self saying it in my ear at the time...we are under the same sky. The Goddess spoke of beauty never before seen. Could this be right there? The beginning of the stream of color like sheer silk?
I see an eye. Looking at me. They are mine. My own eyes. How can I see this differently?
What can I shed? Who. Why, when, how can I heal others and enjoy life--my being alive?
Direct focus. Not linger in this place. Work to do. Love to make. Shine. Love. Illuminate. Glow. Burn. The particles get lighter with transformation of fire.
"Be with me" I am speaking to my lower self. "Be with me. Work with me. I will only keep you strong and safe."
That is all. I will go walk on the beach now and bring in the remembering. I encourage you to remember too.
There is no better time than right now. I love you. xoxoxoxo
The Goddess Speaks
08.12.18
A couple of summers ago during the time that the Earth passes through the Perseid meteor shower I got myself up before 4am, made a thermos of coffee, grabbed a towel and walked down to the beach to lay on my back and just see what I might see. No one else in my house thought that sounded fun so I was alone. I had barely arrived when I saw a steady, fat white ball moving from the East to the Southwest slow enough that I knew it was no jetliner and I knew it was not a satellite. I shrieked aloud. I had never seen anything like it. 10 minutes in and I could have been happy going back to bed. I didn't. I stayed for almost two more hours just watching the sky. I stopped counting shooting stars at 26.
I tear up now as I write remembering this moment. I feel it was pivotal in my adult life although I'm still not sure exactly how. I continued to meld with the sound of the ocean and the visual of the low gold waning moon, the warm breeze on my skin and in my hair and the smell of the sea. As I let go of the anticipation of counting stars I simply observed with a blank canvas of mind. It was as if I was looking at the stars as a reflection of my own being. I was content with wonder and awe. It's probably about then that I heard her.
Distinctly feminine in energy and vibration, it wasn't really an audible voice, it was internal--but one of the clearest and most memorable voices I have ever heard. I pause now in writing as I wonder if I should share her message with you. It was uniquely for me...sure. I mean she wasn't on the loudspeaker at T.J. Maxx announcing someone just saved ten percent. Perhaps what is most important to share here is that--she. spoke. to. me.
I second guess a lot of shit but this...I know with every cell of my being. All of the reassurances I had ever given to friends, to my children, and to people show in in my little yoga classes--I wasn't making it up. We are NOT alone. This voice/vibration was divine, full of love, beauty and strength. If she is there for me...then she is there for you.
YOU gotta get really still...open...and quiet. Like, regularly.
ETERNALLY grateful to many currently earthly bound goddess' and wise "teachers" (for lack of a stronger title) Katie Silcox is a primary one here. She sees all others in the brightest light. Prashanti de Jager whose teachings through my year long study with Katie's Shakti School of Ayurveda have most recently rattled me back from a place of scattered confusing negative mind shit...to a place of belief and remembering. Prashanti reminded me that The Devi (Devi is the sanskrit word for Goddess) cannot speak to us through heaviness and tightness but through a more spacious place of light and receptivity.
Just as I am finishing this I see a post (gotta love Instagram) by Elena Brower said by her friend and teacher Ally Bogard and she says this: "instead of I'll believe it when I see it, open up your mind to a place where I'll see it when I believe it" is true. Amen baby.
Love, beauty and strength and BELIEF to you...right now wherever you are.
A couple of summers ago during the time that the Earth passes through the Perseid meteor shower I got myself up before 4am, made a thermos of coffee, grabbed a towel and walked down to the beach to lay on my back and just see what I might see. No one else in my house thought that sounded fun so I was alone. I had barely arrived when I saw a steady, fat white ball moving from the East to the Southwest slow enough that I knew it was no jetliner and I knew it was not a satellite. I shrieked aloud. I had never seen anything like it. 10 minutes in and I could have been happy going back to bed. I didn't. I stayed for almost two more hours just watching the sky. I stopped counting shooting stars at 26.
I tear up now as I write remembering this moment. I feel it was pivotal in my adult life although I'm still not sure exactly how. I continued to meld with the sound of the ocean and the visual of the low gold waning moon, the warm breeze on my skin and in my hair and the smell of the sea. As I let go of the anticipation of counting stars I simply observed with a blank canvas of mind. It was as if I was looking at the stars as a reflection of my own being. I was content with wonder and awe. It's probably about then that I heard her.
Distinctly feminine in energy and vibration, it wasn't really an audible voice, it was internal--but one of the clearest and most memorable voices I have ever heard. I pause now in writing as I wonder if I should share her message with you. It was uniquely for me...sure. I mean she wasn't on the loudspeaker at T.J. Maxx announcing someone just saved ten percent. Perhaps what is most important to share here is that--she. spoke. to. me.
I second guess a lot of shit but this...I know with every cell of my being. All of the reassurances I had ever given to friends, to my children, and to people show in in my little yoga classes--I wasn't making it up. We are NOT alone. This voice/vibration was divine, full of love, beauty and strength. If she is there for me...then she is there for you.
YOU gotta get really still...open...and quiet. Like, regularly.
ETERNALLY grateful to many currently earthly bound goddess' and wise "teachers" (for lack of a stronger title) Katie Silcox is a primary one here. She sees all others in the brightest light. Prashanti de Jager whose teachings through my year long study with Katie's Shakti School of Ayurveda have most recently rattled me back from a place of scattered confusing negative mind shit...to a place of belief and remembering. Prashanti reminded me that The Devi (Devi is the sanskrit word for Goddess) cannot speak to us through heaviness and tightness but through a more spacious place of light and receptivity.
Just as I am finishing this I see a post (gotta love Instagram) by Elena Brower said by her friend and teacher Ally Bogard and she says this: "instead of I'll believe it when I see it, open up your mind to a place where I'll see it when I believe it" is true. Amen baby.
Love, beauty and strength and BELIEF to you...right now wherever you are.
Illuminate Recipe06.07.18
Shared with love by beautiful friend and certified yoga instructor, natural foods chef and holistic wellness educator Claire Ragozzino of Vidya Living. Enjoy! 
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